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Moviegoing
would not be complete without real turkeys. I'm not
talking about Thanksgiving movies, if they even exist.
I'm talking about movies so bad they make you wince at
their absurdity. Thankfully, the guys and girls behind
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" made sure that everyone
knew which movies were bad, bad and bad!
"Mystery Science Theater 3000: 20th Anniversary
Edition" is now on DVD.
Anyone who loves great movies should have a spot in
their heart for bad cinema. They're the yang to the yin,
the Vader to the Luke. Without tremendously bad cinema
with horrible direction, crummy lighting, acting talent
from the neighborhood, cinema -- I mean movies, would
not be as fun to watch.
The television show "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was
one of those show that I'd watch on a weekend afternoon.
I still don't get the concept of quirky a space janitor
and makeshift robots watching movies in outer space. But
that's part of the reason why the show, once you get
used its strange sense-of-humor, is very funny.
It's been 20 years since "MSTK3" was first aired in an
era when we didn't have as many TV channels to choose
from. The show eventually migrated to cable and became a
staple on Sci-Fi Channel for years. Part of the charm of
watching horrible movies with the Satellite of Love crew
is hearing their funny commentary as a movie plays.
Think of this show as early DVD commentary. The guys are
smart with references to pop culture and history as
their jokes fly.
This boxed set features four rotten turkeys: "First Ship
On Venus," "Laserblast," "Werewolf," and "Future War."
At press time, I didn't get to watch all of "First Ship
On Venus," but I did watch the other three movies.
"Laserblast" (1978) was a quickie flick made to cash in
on "Star Wars." I can remember my television screen
being saturated with ads for this movie. "Wow! Lasers!
Just like in 'Star Wars!'" I'd say. But I remember the
commercial showing the goofy lead with droopy eyes
scaring me. No, not with his bad and lethargic acting,
but that green makeup and scary contacts. Hey, I was
young. The movie, if my memory hasn't been laserblasted,
actually made some good money by unsuspecting audiences
trying to get more lasers and aliens. I didn't see the
whole film until recently on this DVD set.
It's awful.
The acting reminds me of really bad audition acting. The
story makes no sense, other than the producer probably
had this laser gun prop and wanted to use it in
something. The best part of the movie involves the
stop-motion aliens with hilarious voices and a short
cameo by Roddy McDowell.
"Werewolf" opens with some decent cinematography in the
desert, then heads downhill at a rapid pace. A group
comes across an ancient werewolf skeleton, then get into
a fist fight over it for no reason. Richard Lynch tells
of the legend of the werewolf and you know what happens.
People turn into mad puppet werewolves and attack!
What's really funny about this inept movie is how
crudely shot, acted and executed it is. Hello! When a
werewolf is running at a slow speed, or crawling on the
ground, you'd think that the intended victims could out
run him. But nooooooo!
"Future War" is a movie that Jean-Claude Van Damme
would've made and been proud to be in. The lead (Daniel
Bernhardt) comes from the future to battle dinosaurs in
the city of Gardena, CA. He looks and does martial arts
kicks like Van Damme. He even has the limited acting
range of Van Damme with one facial expression through
the entire movie. This must be a Van Damme movie! But
it's not. There's a overweight bad guy from the future
played by an actor named Kazja who can't fight worth
anything. There's a beautiful young nun (Travis Brooks
Stewart), and phony dinosaurs which have nothing to do
with this fine script. Yep, the movie is a piece of
crap.
The crew of the Satellite of Love makes watching these
movies bearable. One can sense that the crew (humans and
puppets) had an appreciation for bad cinema. I guess I
have an appreciation for it, too, and "MST3K."
Bill Kallay
Special thanks to Click Communications
Photos: © Shout Factory. All rights reserved.
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